I was doing up the little Astronaut French Bulldog icon for the side of this blog yesterday when it hit me: there are a couple of movie genres that I'd love to see a gay story-line played out in. So if you're an up-coming director of gay movies, please find below my recipe for an instant classic:
1. Gay Spaceman / Astronaut Movie - and please, can we not have him fall in love with a male alien from the planet Uranus with horrid dialogue referencing floating jizz or something cheesy like that. I want one where they're in a spaceship and it's this hyper-masculine space with all the other astronauts, and they're finding ways to be together, all the while floating around, being philosophical. I even have a name for it - Outer Outer Space. Heck, I'd even settle for a play at the local community theatre.
In terms of the art direction, I'd go for something post-apocalyptic - like the works of my homeboy (yes, he's Melburnian) Jeremy Geddes: (love his work)
2. Gay Pirate Movie - although there is currently a pretty funny music video on this already:
It's filmed in one take, and Cosmo Jarvis is a right sexy lad eh? But the story in the song is very tight and the music deceptively light-hearted - the repeated line 'We deserve much better than we've had' is probably the story of every gay pirate out there. Well, maybe not Jack Sparrow - check out this article for an absolute rocker of a quote from Johnny Depp on his Pirates of the Carribean character.
So, I'm proposing that any movie that gets made on this have a decent happy ending. But the truth is, a more sinister plot leaps to mind.
You probably have seen the visually-arresting movie, Life of Pi (2012). I haven't. I think it's because I wanted to see it for so long before it came out that I kinda over-hyped it in my head and got over it before it was even released. But anyway, I've read the book and here's where it gets interesting:
Richard Parker is the name given to the tiger that's on this life raft with Pi Patel. And the name actually comes from Edgar Allan Poe's novel The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket. In it, a mutineer named Richard Parker was killed by the other survivors (they ended up on the overturned ship). Fast forward more than forty years after the book was published... in 1884, a boat sailing to Australia sank, leaving four sailors stranded on a 13-foot lifeboat in the South Atlantic (somewhere near St Helena). After around 20 days at sea, the crew decided to kill and eat one of their own to survive - and the victim was a sick 17-year old inexperienced cabin boy named Richard Parker. They were found about 3 or 4 days later and were brought back to Britain where they were charged. Moral of the story: if your name is Richard Parker, you may become the father of the next Spiderman, and don't go to sea. Ever.
But I'm thinking - what if Cosmo Jarvis' song was sung somewhat slowly, mournfully, and set to a short film that shows these two men passionately in love. They're found out, and are forced to walk the plank in a storm. Surprisingly, they survive the plank, but the ship goes down and the crew hunts for them in the water, eventually eating one of them (named Richard Parker). Super macabre.
3. Gay Kungfu Movie - I do this thing with my boyfriend: during our New Year break each year, we sit down for a Kungfu Movie. How awesome would it be if there were a gay Kungfu Movie - like Crouching Unicorn Hidden Bear ?
Waitaminute, a quick google search just told me that there are some people who think (
"The East is Red" is part three of a trilogy about a creature known as Asia the Invincible ( a demon warrior who castrated himself in order to obtain super powers - including the ability to kill people with needlepoint accessories.
I'm speechless.
